yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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