He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
