He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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