Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the day after is always just damage control
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
