So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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