Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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