that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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