we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
