Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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