I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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