is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
