I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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