oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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