I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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