I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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