so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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