Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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