My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
