I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
3pm strippers are depressing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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