I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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