just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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