i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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