I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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