Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
