There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
