I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
