remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
