There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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