My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I smell stomach acid.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
