Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
