Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
