I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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