listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
