Christians are straight up FREAKS
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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