Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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