apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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