I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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