Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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