i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
