I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
