Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize