Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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