I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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