The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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