On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
