How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
