We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
