Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
