I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
