What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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