just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
