dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
