I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
