I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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