Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it's like iHOP with fire
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
