Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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