Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i already hear my dad disowning me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
