So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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