Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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