I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he was CRYING into my vagina
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
