i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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