just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
