Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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