It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
