just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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