I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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