I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i already hear my dad disowning me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
