Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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